In NYC terms I had accomplished a lot before I left it all behind. I had my own decently sized studio apartment in an elevator building (elevator-enough said), I furnished the entire apartment in cash, I paid off a sizable personal loan I used for acting school, and I rescued a dog by myself. But the road to have something that resembled a normal situation was long and tough.
A Leap of Faith
I was in a period of my life where I didn’t really know what direction my life was taking me. I had been doing a lot of traveling and moving around, and so when I found an acting school with a great summer program I figured why not. I wasn’t really doing anything productive where I was at that moment and couldn’t find a program at home. I moved to the city almost 6 years ago for what was supposed to be a 6 week acting intensive. Two weeks into the intensive I sporadically decided I needed to stay for the entire 2 year program, despite not having a long-term place to live and no idea how I was paying for it. I had never been to the city before and didn’t know anyone there. But after previously moving to France for a teaching position without a place to live, I felt I could make it. Those first two years in NYC were the hardest of my life and I’m still not sure to this day how I survived, sanity intact. I continued to stay after graduating from the program with the intent to start my acting career in a city that I felt has the resources to be successful.
Constant Seeds of Doubt
Now I know I will make a lot of people annoyed when I say that I never really liked the city. I definitely think it is a great city with a unique beat all it’s own, it just didn’t have an energy that really spoke to me. I could never envision myself living there for a substantial period of time, let alone setting down permanent roots. I had a hard time establishing a community and lacked a support system, which I realized is vitally important to succeed in the city. There were countless calls home crying about how unsafe and alone I felt in my first apartment in East New York, especially since my roommates were staying other places due to a horrendous mice infestation and I had no where to go. It was safe to say my concerns were warranted after the NYPD and FBI showed up at 6am looking for a fugitive they believe was staying upstairs…you can’t make this stuff up! I bounced from apartment to apartment, experienced being illegally evicted, living a period of time in a hostel on two occasions making me virtually homeless, and returned from a vacation to some of my things being given away by my landlord. Obviously I could write a novel.
The True Cost of Living
If there’s one thing that everyone learns in the city it is how to hustle. I jumped from job to job in the restaurant industry and worked everywhere from a small wine bar, to a popular rooftop club, to catering for a Dubai Princess…yes, you read that right. I definitely had some interesting experiences, fun times and met all types of people. But getting home for the holidays for me was almost impossible, vacations were out of the budget, pay was never consistent, and benefits were almost non exisistant. It seemed to be that I was constantly treading to keep my head above water but wasn’t really getting anywhere. Starting my acting career seemed always out of reach. I realized you need two things to enjoy the city – money and time, and for most of us you had one or the other. The monetary cost of living is something everyone is well aware of but for me the emotional cost was far higher. I began to realize that making a true home for myself, not just a room within an apartment that could be taken away at a moment’s notice, was the most important thing for myself. I needed stability and it’s the one thing that I didn’t see myself having in the city. Though I had made my last apartment, a studio in Harlem, comfortable, I had bed bugs three times within the year I lived there and I knew that I couldn’t afford to stay there another year. I couldn’t bear the thought of living with a stranger and losing the independence I fought so hard to have. I’m sure some people will have the thought that if you want it bad enough you will make it work. I started realizing I didn’t actually want to make it work anymore, and felt I was giving up more than I was getting. The turmoil of having extremely stressful living situations took a toll and seem to take center stage above my ambitions for my career. You get to a point where ‘I’ll figure it out in the future’ isn’t an option, you have to figure it out now. So I had to take a long hard look at what the reality of my future in the next few years would really look like.
My Future’s Outlook
I realized I wasn’t hitting traditional life milestones and I most likely wouldn’t any time soon. That’s not to say that I have ever taken the traditional route in my life, but I began to realize that things like having a retirement plan, an emergency fund, and owning a home are considered important for a reason. When I left NYC I was working at a restaurant where I made good money and had fun with a great group of people. Our ‘staff meetings’ were group shots and we had ‘Sangria Sundays’ if that gives you an idea. It gave me the money I needed to get my own studio apartment and the schedule flexibility to rescue my furry little man named Oliver. But I still wasn’t making what I needed to move any further than that. I began to imagine what putting my acting career on hold would do to my situation in the city, because that had been the only reason I had stayed for so long. You would think that the idea of putting aside the dream that brought and kept me in NYC would be depressing, but I found it surprisingly freeing. It opened the door for other possibilities. I remembered that I always wanted to own my own business like my family. We were always very proud that my great-grandparents immigrated from Yugoslavia and started a hardware store out of the front of their house that was passed down through the next two generations. I started to daydream about what I would do and remembered about all the other passions and interests I had outside of acting. Sometimes when you want to go right, life takes you left.
Finding My Own Way
When I had a heart to heart with myself and came to terms that I would have to give up my studio apartment, I was still in the mindset I could make NYC work. I started to map out what my next move would be. I didn’t have the money to move into another apartment right away and I was determined to find a way to continue to live by myself. I considered putting my stuff in storage and moving in with a friend with a spare bedroom for six months while I saved money and improved my credit score to qualify on my own. I started to look in the farthest reaches of Brooklyn, Queens and Jersey for something within my budget. But what I was finding was lack luster at best. I didn’t want 3+ hours of my day dedicated to commuting or live in a run down apartment…I wanted a beautiful space that I could make my own. And that was when a small voice popped up and said maybe you could move back home. There I could not pay rent and save for a downpayment to own, start a retirement plan, pay off my debt, and have the ability to start one or more business ideas. But going home is not all sunshine, I’ve never felt like I quite fit in where I grew up. I’m being dramatic when I say I feel like Moira Rose in Schitt’s Creek, but I’m even more a fish out of water coming back to the area I grew up after living in NYC. I’m essentially starting from scratch. So where does that leave me. Do I envision myself setting down roots where I’m from? No. But it sets me up for success when I do find my way and where I want to put down those roots. I’m putting myself in a position to have the opportunity to live to work and not work to live. Where I’ll end up I don’t know, but I’m excited for the adventure to come.
A Final Thought
Me telling my story is by no means meant to bash the city of New York, but rather to give an honest account of my experiences. I expect to visit often to the city and visit my favorite restaurants, people, and of course shopping spots!! And there’s so much more I’ve yet to explore…that’s one thing you seem to forget to do when you live there. I found my true self in NYC and I definitely wouldn’t be who I am without having lived there. I also wouldn’t be on this journey without all those hard times that taught me a lot about myself and forced me to be an adult…still working on that one. I look forward to sharing with you my journey, my discoveries and of course endless photos of my dog Oliver!
Check out my studio apartment tour.